I can feel it coming. It’s in my chest like a deep knot, not of excitement or joyous anticipation. It’s a feeling I cannot fully explain or tell you why it has started. Some days it just hits me and I beg the Lord to hold me steady and to take away the feeling. Lately, those feelings seem to be far and few between. I can’t exactly pinpoint it, but I wonder if it is an unconscious reminder of loosing our son Malachi. Because for the past few years I have been known to get into these little funks around this time of year. I’m really getting better at getting them to pass, but sometimes honestly I like the comfort of the grief, if that makes sense. It’s a reminder of him because I never really got to know him except for movements in my belly and holding his lifeless body for just a few hours and the grieving I did for months after. It’s a way to not forget him.

But what about all the other unknown feelings or maybe the known feelings I have about so very many things? What do I do with all that emotion? I have now learned that it is when God is saying you need “more of me”. So I go to prayer, reading my Bible, journal helpful scriptures, and to music. Dumping all my feelings to the Lord helps me sift and not to stay settled, we workout it out together.

I have gotten so very lost in my feelings before (and those pesky things lie!). Feeling so alone as if no one possibly cares or could help me out. I remember one time I was staring out the window of the car, feeling so defeated and alone. But as I stared into the sky (something I actually do often) I remembered who my creator was and that he loves me, and that still small voice said “I see you”. Ah, El-roi. “The God who sees me”. What a comfort to know that even in the midst of my trials he’s there waiting to hear from me, to comfort me. Thank you Jesus!

You see we are never truly alone. God, the creator of the universe sees all that occurs in our life, even the messy things we think we can hide from him. Why he chooses not to change some of our circumstances, I don’t know. But I do know that he is God, he is sovereign, and he has laid a path out for my life that is good. Not easy or trouble free but good. It’s in the trials I am made stronger. It’s in the alone I run to him. It’s in discontentment I sacrifice to him praise. In the joy I give gratitude for the life in him I don’t deserve.

This time of year can be hard for so many, even as we celebrate the one who brings salvation to the world so many of us struggle with grief. We miss the ones we love, the lost relationship, the unexpected diagnosis, financial hardships, or the division around us. But there is hope!

“For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”Isaiah 9:6

Don’t settle in your grief this season, allow our Heavenly Father to bring you the Peace that only he can bring.

Shalom and Merry Christmas.