Ever have those days where you wake up and you’re just feeling “meh”? You’re not sure how you got to this place when you were just sleeping… but here you are feeling very restless. Well (raising both hands) that’s me today. I’m not really sure how I got here, but I’m feeling a bit of a mess. I’m trying to sift through my feelings to figure out the problem, but I’m just finding myself crying to God hoping he will work this out with me.
I have found that I often feel this way for the last few years as Christmas comes closer and closer. It’s not an intentional act but one that just creeps in unexpectedly. So why am I feeling so “meh” when Christmas is about Hope and Joy and God’s faithfulness? For me Christmas has always been about these things, and it still is. However, my Christmas spirit had a few broken ornaments thrown into its box a few years ago. It was 2016 and we were expecting our second son. At the time we had a 7 year old daughter and our son was 5. Pregnancies have not always been easy for me, it seems like each one has had its own kinks. My first pregnancy ended in loss, with our daughter (my second pregnancy) I had gestational diabetes, our son (my third pregnancy) had a rare umbilical cord issue, and we miscarried our fourth pregnancy. At 35 I was pregnant again for a fifth time, and according to medical terms I was “geriatric maternal age” and had gestational diabetes again, requiring insulin, and multiple ultrasounds and checkups. In all of these circumstances I trusted God to take care of us-I had faith that he would.
We had planned to name this baby boy, Malachi. Malachi means “My Messenger” and I call him my messenger of hope. Malachi was a prophet in biblical times who foretold the coming of Christ, the Hope of the world. Oddly, when I picked out his name I didn’t know much about this book, its message, or the meaning of the name. Malachi was due on his sister’s birthday – January 8th. In spite of all my medical woes, our baby boy was doing well and was planned to come out just after Christmas. On Christmas Eve I was busy getting things together and not feeling too much from him. I wrote it off as he must have moved into position and was preparing to be born. I knew I had an ultrasound two days after Christmas and believed this would confirm that things were ok. However, I had some unrest. I was worried that maybe something could be wrong, but didn’t give in to my worries because I trusted God to take care of us.
On December 27, 2016 I went in at 10am for my checkup. The ultrasound tech, Sherry, confirmed my worst fears. Malachi had passed. I was alone in the room, that morning I had insisted my husband didn’t need to come that day, boy was I wrong. The time until he arrived seemed like hours. As morning turned to night I experienced the most difficult things I’ve ever dealt with, delivering a full term baby I would never take home. Hours turned into days, weeks to months, it was the most intense grief I have ever felt. So many questions ran through my mind as I tried to understand why this happened. “Why, God, would you allow this to happen to me?” “Are you punishing me?” “Why can others have their babies, but I don’t have mine?” So much unrest was in my heart. It was in this unrest that I found hope.
God used this most painful time in my life to help me find Hope, to find love in the Father. Each day as I cried and grieved, his love for me showed up. It showed up in his word, songs, hugs from my littles, flowers from friends, food (so much food!), words of encouragement, gifts… So many blessings. It was in that love that I was able to rest in him and understand that even in this loss, hope could be found. I still don’t have the answers as to why this happened, and I have stopped asking. I have turned the whys into a faith that God knows the big picture. He didn’t cause Malachi’s death, but he didn’t stop it either. I’m not God and I can’t attempt the reasoning behind it all. In all this I found that God is faithful and makes beauty from ashes. God has used this boy’s life to be a messenger of hope, just as God used Malachi in the Bible to tell of the coming of Jesus.
You might feel restless this season too. Maybe you’re experiencing your own really hard trial. Maybe you too have been dealt the hardest period of grief that you’ve ever gone through. Maybe it’s financial stress. Maybe it’s because it’s been one of the hardest years ever! Whatever it is, don’t give up. God is faithful to walk alongside you, to comfort you, to bring you a peace that surpasses all understanding. I promise you that you will not be disappointed. Don’t live in unrest – rest in him.
Hope is there to be found. I pray you find yours this season.
“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13 NLT
12/27/2016